If, then...

- If you get a phone call at 9:45 am while you are standing in your apartment na*ed, then it might be your interviewer changing your interview time from 1:30pm to 10:30AM and expecting you to be there!

- If you go to an interview with a tyrant as one of the interviewers who shuts down the other interviewers and is seriously rude with her facial communication and verbal communication to the other interviewers and yours truly, then you might come away feeling like a lazy good for nothing who really should give up

- If you then go to the gym to cool off, knowing you have over an hour before it closes for lunch, then expect the gym lady to scowl at you the whole time and remind you that they do close for lunch and she will be leaving right. at. 1:30. and. will. not. wait. for. you. cause. she. has. plans. And even though you may reassure her that you actually only planned to do a 50 minutes set routine so you'll be gone in plenty of time, she may tell you 8x during that 50 minutes that the gym closes at 1:30 in a very snide way!! [btw I wasn't even the last one out of the gym]

- If you get back to your apartment and INSIDE it is 123 degrees (INSIDE PEOPLE!) then you may jokingly tell your cousins that you want a bridge to jump off of into a lake - not because you are in any way suicidal but because it is that hot.

- If you then walk to the pool in said heat then you will be able to see the football team & cheerleaders practicing and feel nostalgia for your University days.

- If you reflect on the fact that you are unemployed, then you may feel like you have nothing to show for the last 10 years and dream about being a cheerleader!

- If you see 2 Mormon missionaries en route home then you might fantasize about how perfect life would be as a Utah housewife, watching BYU (who went independent today - saw it on Abby's sisters' cool blog but didn't have the guts to comment. Abby, your sister is cool!), having a big family and gaining a big family of SIL's, BIL's etc [sorry for the stereotype Mormon friends, I know not all of you have big families! However Abby's cool family makes me think my fantasy of a big Utah family = awesomeness!]

- If you get home from swimming and phone your godmother to tell her that you won't be visiting Thurs, but instead arriving Saturday (which you totally prepared her for and told her it will be a possibility) then she might make you feel super duper guilty because even though you told her Thurs was only a possibility, she arranged for a BBQ Thursday night with 30+ people (I only know 1!).

- If you upset your Godmother in this way then she may say "are they going to let you adopt you know cause it's not like you are established - how on earth can you adopt when you don't own your own home" to which you explain a. once you have a job you will have your own place and your final visits/application won't go in until you have a house/apartment and a job b. there's plenty more to being a good adopter than owning a home and renting is just fine c. you've fostered four kids, worked in orphanages, work in the fostering/adoption world d. held down jobs managing over 100 people. e. worked in a male dominated role where you are the only person under 50 f. have a great reputation for your stability, work, understanding yada yada [btw haven't seen this godmother in over 12 years as she's been living in S. America so I think the judgement isn't really based on me, since she doesn't really know me as an adult or at least that's what I hope plus she said she doesn't understand why anyone would want to help others (volunteering, fostering etc) and not just focus on themselves and she thinks if you are single and want to be a parent you should go get drunk and "have fun" - great Godmother material ;-)]

- If your godmother says such things then you may feel yet again like a total loser who hasn't accomplished much in 10 years

- If you escape a BBQ with 29 people you don't know, then you may be uber happy because right now all you want to do is relax, swim, read, pray, reflect and be 100% alone!

- If you then bump into someone you know who is super conservative and their child tells you girls can't do anything like go to University, be a farmer, have a job, drive a tractor or travel then you might just tell her girls rock and can do anything boys can do and momentarily forget that you may just get a lecture from her parents about "acceptable roles for women" help. me. now!!!

- If you are feeling like you need to run through a field screaming at the top of your lungs the plea "please make life easier" then you might just write a blogpost instead

- If you have a writing deadline for a writing group you are in and you have another job to apply for and it is 9:46pm then you might just say goodnight. the end.

Weakness number 1, 004, 591

Adoption paperwork makes me feel like it's a test I'm never going to pass!

Please tell me I am normal ;)

Two Giveaways

My friend Shannon is having a giveaway for her jewelry to help raise money for her adoption.

My friend Daleea is having a giveaway for her stationery to help raise money for their adoption.

Stop by & support! :)

Job Interview...

I have a job interview Wednesday. It seems ideal. After a very very hard day, it was just the news I needed.

The job is for a University & Hospital Partnership program
With an awesome on-site childcare centre (as in the best in the city)
With a wonderful fitness membership for employees - pool, gym, squash, tennis, skating, children and baby programs
With full benefits the day you start including dental, medications, hospital etc for yourself and your children.
Retirement Plan
Adoption Leave (once you've been there 13 weeks)

Interview is Wednesday. I have to confirm my time slot on Monday morning.

I feel like a human life is riding on this. And that pressure is HARD. VERY HARD. I can only do my best, I just hope my best is good enough...

I'd appreciate your prayers...

One Thing Adoption Related, One Thing Not...

Firstly, adoption related, I read a great article by Johnny Carr called What Adoption Is Not - it warns of Churches wrongly preaching that adoption of a child is the same as being adopted by God. This bit in particular resonated with me

"When children are adopted, they receive a new family and the prospect for a new life, but they are not a new creation. Adoption does not heal a child’s past. People often say that my adopted children are “lucky” to have been adopted. I know what they are trying to communicate, but they are not grasping the totality of what my children have lived through".

The whole article can be read here

And the thing not adoption related? On September 1st it will be 5 months since I've had a television. Tonight I watched a tiny bit of tv on youtube (albeit due to very slow internet connection 10 minutes took about 30!). But watching tv after almost 5 months of not having one = dangerous stuff, which is why I'm forcing myself to go to bed now and unplug - cause really all I want to do is eat some popcorn, have some ginger ale and snuggle on the couch with the tube on. Tsk. Tsk.

Looking For A Daughter's Sibling

My friend Kerri is looking for her daughter Medina's biological sibling (a sister) who was relinquished seperately in Ethiopia and was most probably adopted by a family in Spain. She has set up a website called Buscando Eliham which you can read here. Please help spread the word!

Today Is A Momentous Day

This morning, as I was swimming, a little voice told me to start. I tried to push it away, but it just got louder, start and trust is what it said.

Later today I got an email from a woman who told me while she was battling major illness she would read my other blog and it just made her believe in good. She said some all together very kind things and thanked me for living as I do, going without stuff people think of as needs, to give instead. She told me she had a "feeling" that there was something big in my life, she wasn't sure if it was adoption or my moving to Uganda (not sure why Uganda! LOL) but she wanted to send me about $700 Canadian to help change a life. Now I have to tell you, this woman isn't a blog friend, doesn't have a blog, she simply read my words for 2 years, emailed once and then emailed me again after all of this time, today...yet this very sick woman, who doesn't know me, brings me $700 closer to the goal! I emailed back and said she didn't need to do this, I emailed twice giving her the chance to back out with no hard feelings, no sadness, just joy in how much her words helped me today to keep going, living this all together very different life. And she was resolute, she was estatic to hear that I actually was trying to begin the adoption process of a very special needs child - And now I'm $700 closer.

So I did it - two huge signs saying START and TRUST; I called my agency and adoption social worker.

My adoption social worker is the cream de la cream. She is, in fact, very far away (but in country), but because this is an ultra sticky situation with no definite yes at the end of it (if that happens I'll appeal, then appeal again (unless of course the reason it is over is the baby has died - a possibility I have to prepare for and do think about whenever I look at her picture) and then if not I'll put my papers into another country for an adoption of siblings who are HIV+ and find a way to support this baby from afar) and I need the top of the top to walk this road with me and come up with plan B, C & D. I can do 3/4 visits pre having a job and we've tentatively booked the last visit for the end of October. This means I have 2 months to find a job and have started in my new position, otherwise the last visit will need to be delayed another month. The first two visits I will drive a long drive to her house, the last two she will come to me. Eight hours minimum will separate us. But she agreed this is such a tricky situation with a real child stuck in limbo and rejected and sick, and she confirmed I do need someone who has delt with very tricky very "in need of privacy" adoption situations before and so she is my best hope. While she's never encountered this specific situation, she has experience walking these long, tough roads that 99.9999999% of adopters deem to risky (and they are right, it is very risky! No judgement there!). After we were done she gave me some good tips on how to negotiate with the agency because there are aspects of what they will provide which I won't need in this particular child's situation. Already BTDT so to speak, so in her opinion it isn't like this adoption is starting from scratch! (Yes I know I'm being vague, but I have to respect other's privacy!)

And then today my friend Hayley agreed to raffle dresses for me. The third sign.

And so today, Friday August 20th, begins my quest to adopt a very special child, who in less than a year has faced rejection of epic proportions. And I hope it makes, what I think will be her 10th move in less than a year, her final one. And together we can take on the world...

I'd also like to record that when I am done, I am going to begin some sort of a grant based NGO for families here who want to adopt children internationally who have more significant (chronic/life long) special needs. While there is support, including financial, if you adopt a very special needs child through foster care, no such program exists in the whole country for international programs (can you imagine!) and actually our adoption rate of children with special needs is exceptionally low as a nation. I am just one pretty inadequate person but I hope that somehow I can help others see that they can do this and financially support people willing to see the real joy these children bring and walk a potentially more unsteady path. They choose to walk the path, but I'd like to give them the helmet to walk with - because honestly we all need someone willing to provide us with a helmet! I sure know that I do...

$700 raised - $34,300 to go!

I think I'm going to view this as needing 70 helmets (each helmet is $500). So far I have 1.5 helmets - NOT BAD :)

Here's The Truth...

I find adoption a lonely experience. There I said it. I read all these blogs or see on facebook people attending all these pre-adoption support groups, posts about grandparents so eager, husbands & wives making plans and planning nurseries and baby equipment and honestly, I can't relate. I yearn to be able to relate, but I can't. For me, adoption has ended in empty arms twice, once with a house filled with kids stuff, "my" kid's stuff, our reading corner with their favourites, the walls with their head measurements, my junk drawer with collections from our nature walks.

And having worked with children with absolutely nothing, thousands of children in some sort of limbo I didn't know existed here on earth, well I can't be gung ho that adoption is this wonderful act of giving a child a family, because honestly while it's great, (and of course it is!) for every single one of those children that get a family (and still have had to loose their original family) there are millions yes millions waiting, suffering, homeless, dying all over Africa, Asia and South America. Adoption is one tiny tiny tiny tiny solution to one aspect of a massive problem which should shake the world into action, but seems to bring either apathy and resentment of how these orphans drain the system, or people who are a little too happy to jump on the "aren't I great I saved a child" bandwagon.

I'm also sick of hearing I must be rich, as I walk an hour and a half to run an errand (I have no car and to be honest probably won't anytime soon) or pick up something for the babies whose needs are huge, while friends get in their SUV's and drive away to enjoy dinner out. I'm sick of hearing not everyone has savings to go to these places and "do a bit of good" when I wiped out my savings in order to do this (and don't feel I did good at all), while these friends make their plans to go to Florida in the winter, relax at a resort to enjoy the last of the summer and invite me to dinner & a movie. I'm sick of hearing people complain about money when they aren't dying from starvation, they aren't without medicine, they have access to Doctors, a roof over their head, retirement savings, credit cards, a savings account, a fridge full of groceries and plans for movies and restaurants and theme parks over the weekend. I'm pretty tired of people telling me they would happily do what I've just done, but when I say "that's great there is no one from October" they look very uncomfortable and say they and they are not "rich enough to help others" and it isn't their gift. Add to that, I'm exhausted from hearing people say that people in our own backyard need our help first, when I was bold enough earlier today to say "oh that's wonderful you help people here, I'd love to hear about the projects you're involved in as I'm looking for a place to volunteer", they simply say (with an embarrassed look on their face) they personally don't give and aren't involved in volunteering as they aren't called to do that, but if someone is called to help someone, then really it "should be their neighbour" (Africa is my neighbour!). But last and certainly not least, I have 100% had enough of the judgement for adopting as a single. I am sick, absolutely sick of people telling me Jesus won't agree with what I'm doing, that orphans aren't single people's problem, that taking an orphan that could have a mom and a dad is wrong, as if by some magical whoosh of a wand the essential qualities to a good, loving adoptive home is a mom & a dad; I'd love to read them my former foster children's life stories - let me tell you good parenting is many things, it ain't merely the presence of egg and sperm in the house.

And the real truth is I'm tired, I'm weary and since I started on this path I have been totally rejected by friends, none have asked me how it was, or welcomed me home, when I've tried to talk about it they say they don't want to know because it might make them sad and they don't want to feel sad. I'm job searching, doing medical advocation, writing to grant organizations (almost none here, in fact I think there is 1) or Churches/groups willing to support adoptions and never ever hearing back so I don't even get to the application process. My mind is never ever far away from where I've been, I still dream at night that I hear crying and wonder who needs an extra feed or cuddle. My mind is on how much I need to do and how it is all going to come together, where is the job going to come from, where is the money going to be found, how am I going to do this.

And of course my mind is never ever far away from the known child I'm trying to adopt, from the privacy for her current situation I need to maintain, from the significant needs she has, from the rejection she has faced from people who should have loved & accepted her & felt joy rather than saying they can't adopt a child that doesn't look "normal". And I know somehow someone knew I'd say yes where others have rejected and contacted me and I knew in an instant. A nannosecond. And yet of everyone I know on this journey, I am by far the least. I have nothing real to offer...

And here's the truth, if the rejection I feel by those I know, by my friends, society & culture is 1/10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000th of the pain any wonderful child who is adopted feels over their life story, it is worth it indeed...and if I lose every single friend in a 100 mile radius in the process because they feel guilt I'm doing what they won't and they "can't afford to help" (their words, not mine, personally I think many people shouldn't adopt and I have never never asked for any kind of help, so when I said to one friend in passing I was going to try to adopt and am headed to the library to brainstorm how to come up with the finances before we began talking about 100 other things in her life (for over an hour), I don't expect a 7 paragraph email that night about how hard up she is, that just because she has a BMW SUV and three houses it doesn't mean she doesn't worry about money and the fact they are putting their daughter in a $20,000 a year private school just adds to the worry, so to relax they've booked first class seats to LA for 2 weeks, pulling money out of savings because life is too short to jut hoard all your money in the bank & her advice to me would be to take myself on a luxury holiday to relax), then hey I guess somehow I pick myself up, dust off the dirt and start again. [A whole new meaning to the phrase single & alone when you live in a country with no family, have one parent (a $1500 flight away), no siblings, are single, no in-laws and your friend don't want to hear about your experiences or adoption because they either say it makes them feel guilty they could never do it or because the oppose what you are doing simply. because. you. are. single. - I will add these are mostly married friends, with husbands but have not adopted themselves].

August goals - find job, find money, start paperwork, lose 10 pounds AND find new friends (minus my lovely friends I've met through blogland) or get it in your head you are 100% alone here and maybe quit facebook and bloghopping! ;)

And that is the truth as it stands right now...

Goals For August

1. Move back to Canada sans donkey...
2. Get a job
3. Begin the adoption process (again!)
4. Lose 10 pounds
5. Figure out a way to come up with $35,000 within about 4 months.....
6. Once I get a job begin looking for housing

Just a tad busy...

What are your goals?

Home Again Home Again

I thought I would let everyone know I am home, alive & well (and finally getting rid of the month long yucky tummy!). Since arriving home I've been very very busy trying to find a surgeon to perform a pro bono surgery on a very special child. I'm waiting to hear back from two hospitals tomorrow...I hope one of them will say yes and my days of spending 22 hours a day on the phone (crying - sshh!) will come to an end :)

It was the experience of my life, it changed me completely, it shook me to the core. I don't really have the words yet to say what needs saying, when I find them I will share...

I can say that I miss the beauty of life there, I miss smiling faces, love in people's hearts, kindness that surpasses all understanding. I actually miss having nothing but three outfits of clothing, I miss the lack of distractions, I miss the lack of bondage to stuff and things. I didn't miss restaurants or food or tv or even the internet. No distractions were a blessing and yes I do realize it is easy saying that when you only live it for a few weeks, but I am amazed at how hard the re-adjustment to "richness" has been and I'm surprised by my lack of desire to re-adjust...

If you have a child who lived in an orphanage, hug them tightly. They are special indeed, they could teach me a thing or two about survival, strength, determination and hope.

Thank you to those who left lovely comments and who emailed! You will never know how much it helped! I hope to properly catch up on blogs this weekend!

p.s. To the right of this post you'll see a link to my friend Hayley's etsy site! She is a rockin' mommy and seemstress, trying to raise money for medical bills by making these amazing dresses!

More soon...