Life Under The Calico Sky - Wishing, Hoping, Dreaming, Living, Loving

If, then...

2010-09-01T17:53:00.000-07:00

- If you get a phone call at 9:45 am while you are standing in your apartment na*ed, then it might be your interviewer changing your interview time from 1:30pm to 10:30AM and expecting you to be there!

- If you go to an interview with a tyrant as one of the interviewers who shuts down the other interviewers and is seriously rude with her facial communication and verbal communication to the other interviewers and yours truly, then you might come away feeling like a lazy good for nothing who really should give up

- If you then go to the gym to cool off, knowing you have over an hour before it closes for lunch, then expect the gym lady to scowl at you the whole time and remind you that they do close for lunch and she will be leaving right. at. 1:30. and. will. not. wait. for. you. cause. she. has. plans. And even though you may reassure her that you actually only planned to do a 50 minutes set routine so you'll be gone in plenty of time, she may tell you 8x during that 50 minutes that the gym closes at 1:30 in a very snide way!! [btw I wasn't even the last one out of the gym]

- If you get back to your apartment and INSIDE it is 123 degrees (INSIDE PEOPLE!) then you may jokingly tell your cousins that you want a bridge to jump off of into a lake - not because you are in any way suicidal but because it is that hot.

- If you then walk to the pool in said heat then you will be able to see the football team & cheerleaders practicing and feel nostalgia for your University days.

- If you reflect on the fact that you are unemployed, then you may feel like you have nothing to show for the last 10 years and dream about being a cheerleader!

- If you see 2 Mormon missionaries en route home then you might fantasize about how perfect life would be as a Utah housewife, watching BYU (who went independent today - saw it on Abby's sisters' cool blog but didn't have the guts to comment. Abby, your sister is cool!), having a big family and gaining a big family of SIL's, BIL's etc [sorry for the stereotype Mormon friends, I know not all of you have big families! However Abby's cool family makes me think my fantasy of a big Utah family = awesomeness!]

- If you get home from swimming and phone your godmother to tell her that you won't be visiting Thurs, but instead arriving Saturday (which you totally prepared her for and told her it will be a possibility) then she might make you feel super duper guilty because even though you told her Thurs was only a possibility, she arranged for a BBQ Thursday night with 30+ people (I only know 1!).

- If you upset your Godmother in this way then she may say "are they going to let you adopt you know cause it's not like you are established - how on earth can you adopt when you don't own your own home" to which you explain a. once you have a job you will have your own place and your final visits/application won't go in until you have a house/apartment and a job b. there's plenty more to being a good adopter than owning a home and renting is just fine c. you've fostered four kids, worked in orphanages, work in the fostering/adoption world d. held down jobs managing over 100 people. e. worked in a male dominated role where you are the only person under 50 f. have a great reputation for your stability, work, understanding yada yada [btw haven't seen this godmother in over 12 years as she's been living in S. America so I think the judgement isn't really based on me, since she doesn't really know me as an adult or at least that's what I hope plus she said she doesn't understand why anyone would want to help others (volunteering, fostering etc) and not just focus on themselves and she thinks if you are single and want to be a parent you should go get drunk and "have fun" - great Godmother material ;-)]

- If your godmother says such things then you may feel yet again like a total loser who hasn't accomplished much in 10 years

- If you escape a BBQ with 29 people you don't know, then you may be uber happy because right now all you want to do is relax, swim, read, pray, reflect and be 100% alone!

- If you then bump into someone you know who is super conservative and their child tells you girls can't do anything like go to University, be a farmer, have a job, drive a tractor or travel then you might just tell her girls rock and can do anything boys can do and momentarily forget that you may just get a lecture from her parents about "acceptable roles for women" help. me. now!!!

- If you are feeling like you need to run through a field screaming at the top of your lungs the plea "please make life easier" then you might just write a blogpost instead

- If you have a writing deadline for a writing group you are in and you have another job to apply for and it is 9:46pm then you might just say goodnight. the end.

Weakness number 1, 004, 591

2010-08-29T15:00:00.000-07:00

Adoption paperwork makes me feel like it's a test I'm never going to pass!

Please tell me I am normal ;)

Two Giveaways

2010-08-28T07:36:00.000-07:00

My friend Shannon is having a giveaway for her jewelry to help raise money for her adoption.

My friend Daleea is having a giveaway for her stationery to help raise money for their adoption.

Stop by & support! :)

Job Interview...

2010-08-27T18:20:00.000-07:00

I have a job interview Wednesday. It seems ideal. After a very very hard day, it was just the news I needed.

The job is for a University & Hospital Partnership program
With an awesome on-site childcare centre (as in the best in the city)
With a wonderful fitness membership for employees - pool, gym, squash, tennis, skating, children and baby programs
With full benefits the day you start including dental, medications, hospital etc for yourself and your children.
Retirement Plan
Adoption Leave (once you've been there 13 weeks)

Interview is Wednesday. I have to confirm my time slot on Monday morning.

I feel like a human life is riding on this. And that pressure is HARD. VERY HARD. I can only do my best, I just hope my best is good enough...

I'd appreciate your prayers...

One Thing Adoption Related, One Thing Not...

2010-08-26T20:48:00.000-07:00

Firstly, adoption related, I read a great article by Johnny Carr called What Adoption Is Not - it warns of Churches wrongly preaching that adoption of a child is the same as being adopted by God. This bit in particular resonated with me

"When children are adopted, they receive a new family and the prospect for a new life, but they are not a new creation. Adoption does not heal a child’s past. People often say that my adopted children are “lucky” to have been adopted. I know what they are trying to communicate, but they are not grasping the totality of what my children have lived through".

The whole article can be read here

And the thing not adoption related? On September 1st it will be 5 months since I've had a television. Tonight I watched a tiny bit of tv on youtube (albeit due to very slow internet connection 10 minutes took about 30!). But watching tv after almost 5 months of not having one = dangerous stuff, which is why I'm forcing myself to go to bed now and unplug - cause really all I want to do is eat some popcorn, have some ginger ale and snuggle on the couch with the tube on. Tsk. Tsk.

Looking For A Daughter's Sibling

2010-08-24T11:51:00.001-07:00

My friend Kerri is looking for her daughter Medina's biological sibling (a sister) who was relinquished seperately in Ethiopia and was most probably adopted by a family in Spain. She has set up a website called Buscando Eliham which you can read here. Please help spread the word!

Today Is A Momentous Day

2010-08-20T14:19:00.000-07:00

This morning, as I was swimming, a little voice told me to start. I tried to push it away, but it just got louder, start and trust is what it said.

Later today I got an email from a woman who told me while she was battling major illness she would read my other blog and it just made her believe in good. She said some all together very kind things and thanked me for living as I do, going without stuff people think of as needs, to give instead. She told me she had a "feeling" that there was something big in my life, she wasn't sure if it was adoption or my moving to Uganda (not sure why Uganda! LOL) but she wanted to send me about $700 Canadian to help change a life. Now I have to tell you, this woman isn't a blog friend, doesn't have a blog, she simply read my words for 2 years, emailed once and then emailed me again after all of this time, today...yet this very sick woman, who doesn't know me, brings me $700 closer to the goal! I emailed back and said she didn't need to do this, I emailed twice giving her the chance to back out with no hard feelings, no sadness, just joy in how much her words helped me today to keep going, living this all together very different life. And she was resolute, she was estatic to hear that I actually was trying to begin the adoption process of a very special needs child - And now I'm $700 closer.

So I did it - two huge signs saying START and TRUST; I called my agency and adoption social worker.

My adoption social worker is the cream de la cream. She is, in fact, very far away (but in country), but because this is an ultra sticky situation with no definite yes at the end of it (if that happens I'll appeal, then appeal again (unless of course the reason it is over is the baby has died - a possibility I have to prepare for and do think about whenever I look at her picture) and then if not I'll put my papers into another country for an adoption of siblings who are HIV+ and find a way to support this baby from afar) and I need the top of the top to walk this road with me and come up with plan B, C & D. I can do 3/4 visits pre having a job and we've tentatively booked the last visit for the end of October. This means I have 2 months to find a job and have started in my new position, otherwise the last visit will need to be delayed another month. The first two visits I will drive a long drive to her house, the last two she will come to me. Eight hours minimum will separate us. But she agreed this is such a tricky situation with a real child stuck in limbo and rejected and sick, and she confirmed I do need someone who has delt with very tricky very "in need of privacy" adoption situations before and so she is my best hope. While she's never encountered this specific situation, she has experience walking these long, tough roads that 99.9999999% of adopters deem to risky (and they are right, it is very risky! No judgement there!). After we were done she gave me some good tips on how to negotiate with the agency because there are aspects of what they will provide which I won't need in this particular child's situation. Already BTDT so to speak, so in her opinion it isn't like this adoption is starting from scratch! (Yes I know I'm being vague, but I have to respect other's privacy!)

And then today my friend Hayley agreed to raffle dresses for me. The third sign.

And so today, Friday August 20th, begins my quest to adopt a very special child, who in less than a year has faced rejection of epic proportions. And I hope it makes, what I think will be her 10th move in less than a year, her final one. And together we can take on the world...

I'd also like to record that when I am done, I am going to begin some sort of a grant based NGO for families here who want to adopt children internationally who have more significant (chronic/life long) special needs. While there is support, including financial, if you adopt a very special needs child through foster care, no such program exists in the whole country for international programs (can you imagine!) and actually our adoption rate of children with special needs is exceptionally low as a nation. I am just one pretty inadequate person but I hope that somehow I can help others see that they can do this and financially support people willing to see the real joy these children bring and walk a potentially more unsteady path. They choose to walk the path, but I'd like to give them the helmet to walk with - because honestly we all need someone willing to provide us with a helmet! I sure know that I do...

$700 raised - $34,300 to go!

I think I'm going to view this as needing 70 helmets (each helmet is $500). So far I have 1.5 helmets - NOT BAD :)

Here's The Truth...

2010-08-17T12:04:00.000-07:00

I find adoption a lonely experience. There I said it. I read all these blogs or see on facebook people attending all these pre-adoption support groups, posts about grandparents so eager, husbands & wives making plans and planning nurseries and baby equipment and honestly, I can't relate. I yearn to be able to relate, but I can't. For me, adoption has ended in empty arms twice, once with a house filled with kids stuff, "my" kid's stuff, our reading corner with their favourites, the walls with their head measurements, my junk drawer with collections from our nature walks.

And having worked with children with absolutely nothing, thousands of children in some sort of limbo I didn't know existed here on earth, well I can't be gung ho that adoption is this wonderful act of giving a child a family, because honestly while it's great, (and of course it is!) for every single one of those children that get a family (and still have had to loose their original family) there are millions yes millions waiting, suffering, homeless, dying all over Africa, Asia and South America. Adoption is one tiny tiny tiny tiny solution to one aspect of a massive problem which should shake the world into action, but seems to bring either apathy and resentment of how these orphans drain the system, or people who are a little too happy to jump on the "aren't I great I saved a child" bandwagon.

I'm also sick of hearing I must be rich, as I walk an hour and a half to run an errand (I have no car and to be honest probably won't anytime soon) or pick up something for the babies whose needs are huge, while friends get in their SUV's and drive away to enjoy dinner out. I'm sick of hearing not everyone has savings to go to these places and "do a bit of good" when I wiped out my savings in order to do this (and don't feel I did good at all), while these friends make their plans to go to Florida in the winter, relax at a resort to enjoy the last of the summer and invite me to dinner & a movie. I'm sick of hearing people complain about money when they aren't dying from starvation, they aren't without medicine, they have access to Doctors, a roof over their head, retirement savings, credit cards, a savings account, a fridge full of groceries and plans for movies and restaurants and theme parks over the weekend. I'm pretty tired of people telling me they would happily do what I've just done, but when I say "that's great there is no one from October" they look very uncomfortable and say they and they are not "rich enough to help others" and it isn't their gift. Add to that, I'm exhausted from hearing people say that people in our own backyard need our help first, when I was bold enough earlier today to say "oh that's wonderful you help people here, I'd love to hear about the projects you're involved in as I'm looking for a place to volunteer", they simply say (with an embarrassed look on their face) they personally don't give and aren't involved in volunteering as they aren't called to do that, but if someone is called to help someone, then really it "should be their neighbour" (Africa is my neighbour!). But last and certainly not least, I have 100% had enough of the judgement for adopting as a single. I am sick, absolutely sick of people telling me Jesus won't agree with what I'm doing, that orphans aren't single people's problem, that taking an orphan that could have a mom and a dad is wrong, as if by some magical whoosh of a wand the essential qualities to a good, loving adoptive home is a mom & a dad; I'd love to read them my former foster children's life stories - let me tell you good parenting is many things, it ain't merely the presence of egg and sperm in the house.

And the real truth is I'm tired, I'm weary and since I started on this path I have been totally rejected by friends, none have asked me how it was, or welcomed me home, when I've tried to talk about it they say they don't want to know because it might make them sad and they don't want to feel sad. I'm job searching, doing medical advocation, writing to grant organizations (almost none here, in fact I think there is 1) or Churches/groups willing to support adoptions and never ever hearing back so I don't even get to the application process. My mind is never ever far away from where I've been, I still dream at night that I hear crying and wonder who needs an extra feed or cuddle. My mind is on how much I need to do and how it is all going to come together, where is the job going to come from, where is the money going to be found, how am I going to do this.

And of course my mind is never ever far away from the known child I'm trying to adopt, from the privacy for her current situation I need to maintain, from the significant needs she has, from the rejection she has faced from people who should have loved & accepted her & felt joy rather than saying they can't adopt a child that doesn't look "normal". And I know somehow someone knew I'd say yes where others have rejected and contacted me and I knew in an instant. A nannosecond. And yet of everyone I know on this journey, I am by far the least. I have nothing real to offer...

And here's the truth, if the rejection I feel by those I know, by my friends, society & culture is 1/10000000000000000000000000000000000000000000th of the pain any wonderful child who is adopted feels over their life story, it is worth it indeed...and if I lose every single friend in a 100 mile radius in the process because they feel guilt I'm doing what they won't and they "can't afford to help" (their words, not mine, personally I think many people shouldn't adopt and I have never never asked for any kind of help, so when I said to one friend in passing I was going to try to adopt and am headed to the library to brainstorm how to come up with the finances before we began talking about 100 other things in her life (for over an hour), I don't expect a 7 paragraph email that night about how hard up she is, that just because she has a BMW SUV and three houses it doesn't mean she doesn't worry about money and the fact they are putting their daughter in a $20,000 a year private school just adds to the worry, so to relax they've booked first class seats to LA for 2 weeks, pulling money out of savings because life is too short to jut hoard all your money in the bank & her advice to me would be to take myself on a luxury holiday to relax), then hey I guess somehow I pick myself up, dust off the dirt and start again. [A whole new meaning to the phrase single & alone when you live in a country with no family, have one parent (a $1500 flight away), no siblings, are single, no in-laws and your friend don't want to hear about your experiences or adoption because they either say it makes them feel guilty they could never do it or because the oppose what you are doing simply. because. you. are. single. - I will add these are mostly married friends, with husbands but have not adopted themselves].

August goals - find job, find money, start paperwork, lose 10 pounds AND find new friends (minus my lovely friends I've met through blogland) or get it in your head you are 100% alone here and maybe quit facebook and bloghopping! ;)

And that is the truth as it stands right now...

Goals For August

2010-08-03T02:50:00.001-07:00

1. Move back to Canada sans donkey...
2. Get a job
3. Begin the adoption process (again!)
4. Lose 10 pounds
5. Figure out a way to come up with $35,000 within about 4 months.....
6. Once I get a job begin looking for housing

Just a tad busy...

What are your goals?

Home Again Home Again

2010-07-22T13:14:00.000-07:00

I thought I would let everyone know I am home, alive & well (and finally getting rid of the month long yucky tummy!). Since arriving home I've been very very busy trying to find a surgeon to perform a pro bono surgery on a very special child. I'm waiting to hear back from two hospitals tomorrow...I hope one of them will say yes and my days of spending 22 hours a day on the phone (crying - sshh!) will come to an end :)

It was the experience of my life, it changed me completely, it shook me to the core. I don't really have the words yet to say what needs saying, when I find them I will share...

I can say that I miss the beauty of life there, I miss smiling faces, love in people's hearts, kindness that surpasses all understanding. I actually miss having nothing but three outfits of clothing, I miss the lack of distractions, I miss the lack of bondage to stuff and things. I didn't miss restaurants or food or tv or even the internet. No distractions were a blessing and yes I do realize it is easy saying that when you only live it for a few weeks, but I am amazed at how hard the re-adjustment to "richness" has been and I'm surprised by my lack of desire to re-adjust...

If you have a child who lived in an orphanage, hug them tightly. They are special indeed, they could teach me a thing or two about survival, strength, determination and hope.

Thank you to those who left lovely comments and who emailed! You will never know how much it helped! I hope to properly catch up on blogs this weekend!

p.s. To the right of this post you'll see a link to my friend Hayley's etsy site! She is a rockin' mommy and seemstress, trying to raise money for medical bills by making these amazing dresses!

More soon...

Life Is Beautiful

2010-06-18T05:44:00.001-07:00

Each morning I begin my day at the same time, each morning I ponder what the day will bring.... I begin my mornings with a cold shower, part of a tiny shared room. Next comes a walk, through crowded streets, busy and bustling, beautiful and serene despite the noise, smells and visual delights.

I arrive and greet everyone good morning, oh how I've missed them while I've been gone! The next ten to twelve hours are filled with with utter delight, utter peace, utter tranquility and utter joy because when you really look, that is what you see, beauty even when least expected.

I do not miss that which we think we need, but really probably shouldn't even be wants. I adore the simplicity, I love having no choice of clothing, nothing to buy and the focus on giving rather than taking.

Today I ran my first teaching session. But the reality is, they are all teaching me far more than I them...

There are no words...

2010-06-12T03:39:00.001-07:00

This is oh so hard, nothing I have done in my life prepared me for this. Nothing.

And I'm Off to China!

2010-06-09T15:11:00.001-07:00

Well the big news is that tomorrow I leave for China! I will be working (volunteering) with orphans with very very significant special needs and who are actually in their final months/weeks/days/hours of life. I have no doubt this experience will be stretching and at times make me question the fairness of life, but as I said to someone today, if the worst thing that can happen to me is sadness and incredible grief at their death and the best thing for these children happens, which is to feel loved during their final days, then it's a sacrifice worth making! In actual fact, who can call spending your weeks blowing bubbles with, singing to and rocking a baby in their final hours a sacrifice, in truth it's a privilege!

I will be taking my laptop and hope to blog through it all! Thanks to Shannon for telling me I can email blog posts :)

Testing

2010-06-09T15:10:00.001-07:00

Testing to see if it is possible to email a blog entry!

I interrupt this adoption blog break to bring you

2010-02-06T14:07:00.000-08:00

Because he's that good. That cute. That adorable. That talented. He deserves my coming out of a blog break.

Video on Attachment, Emotional Development and Social Relationships

2010-01-05T18:51:00.000-08:00

This Emotional Life: Family, Friends & Lovers
Daniel Gilbert PhD

In this episode, we meet a young boy adopted from a Russian orphanage, whose story illustrates how a lack of attachment in infancy fundamentally shapes his ability to build relationships for years to come. We meet the young parents of newborn twins, a couple in therapy for a troubled marriage, a teenager who was bullied with tragic consequences, two women grappling with the stress of workplace conflicts and other characters. Through their stories we achieve a better understanding of the importance of social connections and relationships!

http://www.pbs.org/thisemotionallife/video/family-friends-lovers

Gotta love PBS!

Will be back soon! Thanks for all the emails :)

Blog Hiatus!

2009-11-20T11:36:00.001-08:00

This blog will be on hiatus until around mid December. I will either then make the blog private or public - all depends on a certain outcome! I will continue checking all your blogs, just won't be blogging myself until then! Happy Blogging!

If I feel one ounce of what they feel...

2009-11-14T05:55:00.000-08:00

I'm a traveler by nature. Every single summer during my University break I worked abroad, upon completion of my undergraduate programs I took off and traveled all through Canada in a car. I saw avalanches (in May - go figure!), oceans, mountains, first nations communities, bears, moose, each seen with a mix of joy and jubilation. When that trip finished, I packed a suitcase and landed in Europe to travel, have fun and work, all the experiences were fun, interesting, stretching and educational. I came home and I pined and wondered and made a decision, I was going to live abroad. I did not arrive with 1 suitcase, an open ended ticket and the optimism of my youth. I arrived with a 1 way ticket and there was no going back (at least not for several years...). This time I stepped off the plane and instead of hope was a mix of despair, sadness, excitement and fear.

I arrived and it was raining. Only the rain wasn't what I was used to, it smelled different and taste different (be honest, we all taste rain, right?). The sky looked different, scary almost. I stepped out to get a taxi and was almost run over. Why was everyone driving on the wrong side of the road? I arrived at my destination and knew no one. There was no friend to call over for coffee or chat with. I needed to try to make it home. I shopped and tried to buy superficial and familiar things, only the comfort a glass of milk and apple sauce used to bring, now brought horror. The milk looked and tasted different and apple sauce, what they have could not possibly be called apple sauce, it was more along the lines of sweet apple stick yuck (yes I'm pulling out all my technical words for this post). My clothes smelled different and I remember craving that familiar smell of fabric softer and washing powder, a smell which you can not even name and yet it feels like home!

I met people and was hopeful that we'd become friends, only you'd make a suggestion and they didn't understand why you said what you said and took it the wrong way. Apparently you can't suggest things because that isn't your role (a throw back from the class system me thinks!).

Christmas time was approaching, I thought this would be it, my first Christmas in my new home, how exciting. Only I cried my way through Church because they didn't do a pageant instead it was something called Christingle. What on earth was Christingle? Where were the people I most loved? Why on earth was I here? I spent time with family I really did not know and they had such a joyful embrace and yet they felt so new...

Work was not pleasant. There were constant anti-American slurs (with brief interludes of "oh but you are different, we don't mean you"), no one understood or seemed to care a. technically I was more British and Canadian than American, b. anti-American slurs from people who profess anger at racism and prejudice is just a little hypocritical (and in the UK's defense I was in a Cdn library this am and heard horrific statements that were anti-American from people who were professing that Cdn's are just way more tolerant of differences and accepting than our neighbours to the south because they were all ignorant and uneducated...!! tsk tsk and yes, I did say something - I can't stand any form of prejudice or ignorance, plus I mean 90% of my blogger friends are American and you are all fabulous oh yes and my Grandma is American too!)

Time passes and some days you wake up knowing something is wrong. You wondered how long it would take for you to remember that a. your family looks different to how it should look (the joys of the experience that was my precious princess and sweetpea) and b. you are in another country on a 1 way ticket with no knowledge of when you would or could go home.

Some days you are hit like a ton of bricks with homesickness, some days it is all so exciting and joyous that you just want to burst and lap it all up. Living in another country is quite a fun adventure you know!

You occasionally slip in references like "remember when" only they don't remember a. because they didn't know you. b. they grew up in another country where there was no Degrassi or Vinyl Cafe or Road To Avonlea or Terry Fox Run.

On the days where all you wanted to do was crawl into bed in your grief at the loss of your family and your new surroundings, you can only imagine how difficult it is for those who take this same journey but in another way. You can't imagine being told that you need to behave and make good choices when what you are living doesn't feel like a good choice. You can't imagine being fed all different foods and if you spit them out in horror being told that was naughty or bad. You can't imagine what it must feel like to think that you should be grateful or thankful that someone has done this to you. I can't imagine having to live an existence where you have to fake it in order to make others happy. It is too much pressure, I fake nothing and still feel the pressure. The days you have to fake it, feel like you are carrying 10 tonnes of bricks. The pressure would buckle the strongest. This is no David and Goliath moment.

And yet, slowly, very slowly your norms begin to change. Those strange smells now smell slightly comforting. The strange accents and language now seem sing song like and joyous and sweet. The thought that there was once different light switches and heating systems isn't even on your radar now. You begin to acknowledge that you have two homes, only that brings a myriad of other worries and other fears and guilt, oh the guilt. You begin to forget that things are strange here, you become accustomed to the light switches which once seemed so foreign and the fact it was once so strange but now seems normal saddens you all the more. Your head goes back and forth trying to decide what you are. You have passports for both but little boxes required on forms and job applications only allow you to choose 1, a stark reminder at some point you have to be one or the other. Only you don't know which one to choose...

And then you come home only it is different. You are wide eyed at the lights and the number of shops and the consumerism and the busyness. You hear people discussing politics and their opinions and you are shocked that they don't know about a.b.c.d.e., you want to ask them didn't they read about it, but then you remember that study probably didn't make it's way here. Everyone sounds different. Did your friends ever really speak like that? Everyone thinks you sound different. You are constantly asked where you are from and when you say "I was born at the hospital down the road" they look at you like you had 10 heads. Your voice confirms you don't quite belong. And yet you turn on the radio and hear the familiar sounds that you didn't even know you missed, and you can feel your blood pressure reducing, you can feel your body relax, you can feel the hypervigilence leaving. You have a hug from a friend and your body almost buckles, you remember those hugs and feel at peace, in joy and yet there is still guilt. For however hard it is to admit, you will always have, to some extent, a foot in either country and somehow you have to find a way to make that OK.

This is just my experience, I have not lost my family, albeit we are separated by thousands of miles and $1200 plane rides. I can speak the language. I do not look different. I am not facing the grief of never going home. I am old enough to understand what is happening. I don't like the term heroes, but let me say this. If I felt one ounce of what these kids feel, these babes in arms arriving in carriers and wraps, these toddlers pushed through airport gates to swarms of people gasping and crying at the sight of them, these older kids, who know just what they are leaving, their family, the ones they love... then let me tell you, these kids are true heroes.

I'll finish by saying every single parent through adoption and every parent to be through fostering or adoption, please take a moment to read this entitled What Does Gotcha Mean? And please please listen to All In The Mind about attachment and babies (from just one of the truly amazing things I will miss about the UK). As I read and listen as well as reflect on my own experiences, I remember there really is very little that is fair when it comes to adoption.

Can you live off of....

2009-10-22T13:59:00.001-07:00

So I have 2 days to go (those keeping track may notice I'm flying a few days later than anticipated), and so far I have the following packed for the big move back home so I can start my adoption:

stationery
toothpaste
denim handbag
feminine products
hair putty
hand butter
pencil case

Which begs the question: if disaster struck and I could not pack anything else, would I survive on stationery and toothpaste; probably not so I better pack things like underwear, shoes (do I even own proper shoes anymore?! I really do live in sandals & sunglasses), clothes, yada yada! Fitting your whole life & belongings into 1 suitcase and 1 carry on is slightly overwhelming and scary. I don't really own stuff so the added thought of how many things I'll need - you know things like beds, couches, maybe a fridge or stove - that is seriously scary. Oh my life is changing! Overwhelming and underwhelming at the same time. And this post is yet another example of how to waste 10 minutes while facing an international move in two days and not yet having anything of substance packed, unless you count hair putty and feminine products as substance ;)

Say No To Bacon....!

2009-10-07T00:16:00.001-07:00

I have been loving these micro pigs since I arrived. Had I stayed in this country I would own two. Maybe three. I think we'd make a cute family. I mean, they are friendly, they love their belly scratched and apparently they giggle. Yes giggle. What could be cuter? Seriously. I may just have to find a way to eventually make one part of the family.

What isn't to love??

I'd name them Norma & Rae as a reminder that pigs have rights too (no I'm not assuming my smart readers don't know all about Norma/Crystal, just thought I'd give you a link in case you wanted to read further). Of course I'd have to be concerned about them near my friend Porter aka the girl who actually has a tag on her blog named BACON (make sure you don't say that b.a.c.o.n. word out loud, you'll scare the pigs, they're only widdle you know!) I mean, no one could look at these cuties and think bacon, could they?

So on the land we've now got a list that includes hens (rescued battery ones of course), donkeys, micro pigs, a pot belly pig (named George), a miniature pony, goats, alpacas plus the regulars, you know dogs and cats. Please form an orderly queue now for your ticket to visit, the charge is the cost of one international adoption! LOL ;)

And now I'm off to enjoy breakfast - Moroccan chickpea soup, mango & pineapple pieces, water and tea! You will notice - no bacon :)

And 1 Thing I Won't Miss

2009-08-27T12:06:00.001-07:00

On one of the most popular TV shows here (averaging 15 million a night)

Character 1: We used to volunteer 18 hours in an orphanage before we moved home
Character 2: Oh I bet you were tempted to bring them home
Character 1: Oh yes we were, but we wouldn't be so selfish to take them from their culture
Character 2: Oh no you couldn't be that selfish. That would be wrong.

And you know what? No one will even bat an eyelid here. Not when only 80 people are expected to complete inter-country adoptions this year, in a country of 61 million. Not when I hear during a multi-disciplinary country wide meeting every single s*cial worker around the room say that international adoption should be made illegal, because it is better for a child to live in an orphanage then be taken from their culture. They all nod in agreement and all I can muster in my sheer exhaustion is "what kind of culture is life in an orphanage". To which I will get stares and frowns and sly comments about American idealism and yet no real answer to the question. One lone person agrees with me, not a social worker but a case worker who has worked all around the world, spent time in India and has seen the devastation of no family first hand.

I'm not naive enough to think we don't adopt partly for selfish reasons, I'm not naive enough to think culture isn't important (as I've written about before) but I'm also not naive enough to think it is wrong to adopt a child, to give a child a home & family when you have the right intentions and knowledge and understanding of the challenges you will face, plus the ability to ask & receive support. I wish adoption wasn't necessary, every single day I pray that birth families and children don't have to continue facing such loss. The other day I saw a program on Ireland in 1909, it discussed how many children lived in orphanages, died due to starvation and sanitation, were placed for adoption due to poverty. When it finished I prayed that in 100 years the situation will be as drastically different for Ethiopia, Vietnam, China, Guatemala as it is now in Ireland, where children do not have to be placed for adoption because of poverty, where there are no orphanages filled with children, where there is free access to medications, services, health care...but what do we do for the next hundred years? What do we do for the children already here, already needing another family?

I think this sums it up best, found in Melissa Fay Green's book There Is No Me Without You: pages 22-23

Who was going to raise twelve million children?

That’s what I suddenly wanted to know.

“Who was teaching twelve million children how to swim?

Who was signing twelve million permission slips for school field trips?

Who packed twelve million school lunches?

Who cheered at twelve million soccer games?

Who was going to buy twelve million pairs of sneakers that light up when you jump? Backpacks? Toothbrushes? Twelve million pairs of socks? Who will tell twelve million bedtime stories?

Who will quiz twelve million children on Thursday nights for their Friday morning spelling tests?

Twelve million trips to the dentist?

Twelve million birthday parties?

Who will wake in the night in response to eighteen million nightmares?

Who will offer grief counseling to twelve, fifteen, eighteen, thirty-six million children?

Who will help them avoid lives of servitude or prostitution?

Who will pass on to them the traditions of culture and religion, of history and government, of craft and profession?

Who will help them grow up, choose the right person to marry, find work, and learn to parent their own children?

The very sad reality, one I'm sure most adoptive parents wish wasn't the case, is that due to the AIDS situation in Ethiopia, the birth family can not be the ones to wipe the tears away. So for these children living now, waiting now, we have to find another scenario. Much like Ireland 100 years ago...

International adoption is not easy. It is not for the faint of heart, as I well know. It is not cheap and doesn't involve having a newborn placed in your arms. It involves children that come with a different culture, a first family as well as experiences at orphanages (some good, well however good an orphanage can be, some horrible), experiences of second or third families (foster care, relatives etc), great experiences of loss and trauma now & in the future, and for far too many real and painful past abuse. For many of us it involves having to accept you will never have the experience of parenting a child from babyhood, having to learn about special needs & challenges like HIV, Hepatitis, Cleft Palate, Clubbed Feet, Limb Differences, Sensory Integration Disorder, PTSD or RAD. But it also comes with hope. Hope that out of sheer tragedy, happiness can be found. Hope that through hopelessness we can find peace. International adoption should not be necessary, but it is, sad as it may be it is the reality these kids face, it is their reality now. I don't know about you, but I'd rather scrimp and save and go without (for years), I'd rather accept I will never parent a child from infancy, I'd rather rise to the challenge of coping with potentially burying my children before I die (if I adopt a child with a life limiting illness), I'd rather fall on my knees with prayer that somehow I make it on that plane, somehow I can save the thousands upon thousands of dollars on one income while working for a charity time and time again. I pray I find the courage to do hard things, so that one child right now with less than a 50% survival rate to adulthood (the latest stats for children orphaned) finds a family, has hope, has someone to wipe their tears, has someone who will never replace their first family, but will be there to love not just today or tomorrow but forever. Isn't that the least we all deserve? A chance at living life?

Somebody once said to me that I should only adopt newborns so I don't miss out, that adopting was "doing good" so don't worry about the ethics of it, just go for second best - give yourself the chance to miss out on the least (do you want me to share my reaction??!!! thankfully this is a very rare view, but still present most certainly) But as Kimberly and Kerri have experienced, we still get our firsts - our firsts may be the first birthday celebration our 4 or 9 year olds have ever had, the first warm meal, the first night not going to bed hungry, the first time crying in your crib gets you held with a warm bottle, the first time someone sits with them while they have treatment in hospital (or in my little ones case, the first time they get treatment for a lifelong medical problem that had been causing great pain), the first time someone tells them they belong forever, the first time someone acknowledges the tremendous loss they've experienced and tells them it is OK to grieve. And you know what? Those are pretty amazing firsts. There is nothing on this earth like watching your 9 year old look at her presents, on the first Birthday she has ever celebrated and walk backwards, in awe, with tears in her eyes and ask you if she can give them to the kids who have nothing like she did before she "came home". There is nothing like watching a 9 year old's first Christmas when she tells you life with you is like living in a fairy tale of princess' and warm food and love. There is nothing like asking your 6 year old what he is doing and having him burst into fits of laughter saying "oh yes, I forgot now I'm here I don't need to look for crumbs anymore because I'm not hungry". You then start giggling too, only he doesn't know your tears aren't happy tears but deep and guttural sadness that any child remembers having no food. Yes they may not be 6 week old smiles but special nonetheless!

I've been reflecting on this post for 24 hours before pushing publish and I guess what I think is that our actions define who we are, they define how we chose to live our lives, the attitude we have towards ourselves, adoption and our children. I'm trying, no matter how hard it is, to have actions that show the blessing adoption really is - no focus on what society thinks isn't fair about it (being older (the average first time adopter is 38), not experiencing things like pregnancy, being single or not seeing what your husband's DNA would bring, failed adoptions, possible cultural & medical challenges) and instead simply seeing the blessing I know exists on this bumpy road, this exceptionally expensive bumpy road that at times comes with no seat belt and no guide. And yet through all the bumps we end up moving from our self (what we initially wanted, focusing on what we wish we could of changed, the "not fair" grief that hopefully we work through before we adopt) to others (the fact there are simply children out there, they may be 9 months, 4 years or 10 years, they may have real and significant needs, they may be paperwork, plane rides and thousands of dollars away), which puts us on the road to our destiny, motherhood - because in the end your journey of failed adoptions, infertility, singleness, financial woes and all, brings you to your child. No greater joy found through the most tragic of circumstance.

p.s. I'm moving around links to blogs and updating (a lot of you have moved your blogs). Links may disappear for a while but they'll be back :)

The type of mom you want to be...

2009-07-02T11:43:00.000-07:00

Today was a tad emotional; do you remember the little boy I was trying to adopt (the 411 is the program I was adopting through changed and I couldn't be grandfathered, I could of appealed, the wait would be 18-24 months to know if I was successful and it would of prevented anyone from being matched with him in the meantime, so I basically decided that the only right thing to do was to do everything I could to increase his chances of being adopted, even if it meant not by me) well, I officially found out he is now in his new home (adopted about 6 months ago), with his new family, somewhere in Europe. What an answer to prayer. On top of that a friend has just had her third baby, a healthy baby girl after two adorable boys. She married a man who is very wealthy, but well isn't the kind of husband she deserves, but that's a whole other story! She also used my favourite baby name - don't worry I don't hold it against her ;0). Let's see, I also found out my first true love is engaged, I wish him well, really I do (!) AND finally I had an email from an old school friend who tactfully said in her email the following "what you are not a mom yet, really, you the only person I know who was born to be a mom?". Tactful. Yes?

I'm sure you adoptive mamas can imagine the emotions stirring inside me right now. They are great.

Today I've thought a great deal about what type of mom I imagined I would be. When I was a nanny here in the UK, I worked with 2 families for six years, through University and Graduate school. I was with one of the families during the day, the other evenings. The family I was with during the day had two little girls, 17 months apart, ages 3 and 4.5 when I started and ages 9 and 10.5 when I finished. The parents were both workaholic Dr's who used their vacation time to cover the school holidays during the year, knowing their little darlings had moi for the summer holidays. I was usually there for 15 weeks, starting their last month of school to cover the school parties, end of year events etc then was there over the summer holidays. I handled all the household budget, paid bills, grocery shopped, made all the meals, organized repairs on house & car, took the children on summer holidays, did all the physio therapy appointments (the little one was in a wheelchair) and endless Dr's appointments, did the back to school shop, hosted an end of school party, organized summer play dates with cousins, helped care for Granny & Grandad, basically as mum and dad worked 7am to 7pm M-F, I was the first person who saw the children when they awoke and I was the person who put them to bed at night. I was exactly in that time the type of "mum" I imagined being - I was patient, kind, loving, we had the right mix of time at home with time outside the home, we enjoyed some days simply reading book after book, while other days we spent learning how to swim, skate and play baseball. We had friend's over, met friend's for play dates, enjoyed traveling on summer holidays. I had time and no worries about money. The parents always said I saved them a fortune, that during the year they were so exhausted they got take-aways, bought ready meals, took the children to toy stores and constantly had them out the home over weekends, mostly due to guilt for making them be at daycare 10 hours a day. For 3 months a year they came home to sleeping & happy children who had been fed an organic, 5 fruit & veg a day diet, a healthy meal hot and ready on the table for the grownups at 8pm, glasses of wine poured and just as importantly to a clean home & well cared for garden. They also said at the weekends the children were so much better behaved, more relaxed and happier - they felt due to not being exhausted from long days at daycare/before & after school programs. The family was in hog heaven :0)

I remember those days being long, but joyful. I loved my role, I loved that at the beginning of each summer I could ask the children what they wanted to do and we had the time to accomplish most things. I set ourselves a budget and off we went. It was easy because there were no other demands on me outside the home. I was fully present and happy in my role. I was in hog heaven :0)

When I began fostering, there was no such thing as fostering leave. The children arrived and I managed to get a few days off to adjust (ya right!) and then I had to keep going. Eventually I knew it wasn't working, the children needed more so I gave up my job and went part time (3 days a week). I had the luxury of savings (then, but not now!) and at that point I was supposed to adopt, so I saw it in our very best interest for me to make sure any attachment, trauma, PTST was dealt with before it became a larger issue. I felt confident that I was acting in their best interest. I knew my working full time was simply too much, that their having to function for 7 hours at school plus before & after school care was far too much; it meant everything was too rushed, everyone was too on edge. Working 3 days a week helped, but it still wasn't ideal. Part of the problem was there was no fostering leave, so we didn't get that 9 month adoption leave Canadian adoptive parents get, we didn't even have the luxury of a month at the beginning, both of those things would have helped. The whole time I was working full time & parenting I never felt like home or work got the attention they deserved. To the outside world I looked like I was sailing through, and I was in many ways, but it was definitely at a cost to myself, it wasn't easy to fake having energy and there were many days I had to repeat to myself fake it till you make it!

Had my little guy (adoption attempt number 2) come home to me this past Christmas, I would probably be going back to work right about now. As I was walking home tonight, I popped into the shop to get some asparagus and saw a menagerie of stressed out moms. Women snapping at their children, explaining to tired little ones how much they had to do tonight and why it would be helpful if they stopped whining for toys and helped mummy. I felt sad. I wondered if that would be me and it scared me.

I should say, I don't believe for a moment that being a working mom is a bad thing. I think for some women it is 100% the right decision, I believe we are all different and there isn't 1 path that is right for every single one of us. My mum worked full time from the time I was 3 months old & my Dad was home part time (and I had a wonderful childcare provider part time), that was the right choice for their family. I know working moms who are absolutely fabulous and I know stay at home moms who really spend very little time with their kids as they are socializing or on the computer hours each day, being physically present is not being mentally present. However, I know the path I have always wanted, the path I have loved every second of is being a stay at home "mom".

The reality is, with the path I'm moving forward on as a single adopter, there is very little chance I'll ever be a stay at home mom and that is a hard one to swallow. While I'm lucky in Canada there is 9 month parental leave and in England a 6month adoption leave, the reality is I will have years as a working mom, having to somehow try to make school plays, class trips and make do with summer's being not "our" time except for a couple of weeks. I'm searching for other options, if I do some extra study, could I get a job that I would love and it would give me summer's off? Do I move after I'm a mom, to a place that is more part time working mom friendly. I have to say, the UK is brilliant for this, as a parent to a child under 16 you can return to work part time, if you have a child with special needs you have this right throughout their lives. Most of my friends return school hours only or 3 days a week only, none have had their employer say no due to UK employment laws - yes we are very lucky although not when it comes to adoption ;0) I feel like I'm facing big decisions, big questions, big unknowns on my own, this is when being on your own hits you. But I'm determined that I have to find a path that gives me a good compromise and in the meantime I will be saving every single penny to take the full adoption leave/FMLA off, because in my book you'll never regret those months with your child but you may regret not taking them.

But right now I'm still grappling that I was able to give the kids I nannied more of me being physically present than possibly my children will get and that is very hard. As I've typed this an email from one of the girls I nannied sits in my inbox, she is now 16 and has told me she thinks she learned everything she needs to know about being a baby-sitter and mum by watching me. Yes, I'm wiping away the tears.

It's funny, as a child so many of my friends dreamed big. They wanted to marry rich men, be famous, become politicians and professional ice hockey players, go to the moon, be "somebody" people recognize from movies/magazines. Yup I went to school with high achievers and many of them got to exactly where they wanted to be! All I ever wanted was to be a mom and yet somehow my dream seems the most unattainable. I'm just hoping & praying third time lucky even though the where/when/how is so unknown. I hope God hears me. I could use a little reassurance right now. Hhmm...kind of reminds me of the book Are You There God, It's Me Margaret.

Are you there God, it's me, the one who wants to be a mama...

Culture and Biological Family is it the cake or the icing?

2009-02-25T05:51:00.000-08:00

This post has been humming around in my brain or perhaps more correctly my heart, since I boarded a plane to take me to Asia to visit my two darlings, my two very different darlings, whom I love fiercely and completely and yet I was missing two essential things, their culture and biology. Some might say that these are the two most important things, some might think that they simply don't matter to a child. Neither would be correct.

Living and breathing and being in your child's culture and biological family for several weeks, well it makes you think long and hard about what truly is the most important thing in a child's life. It made me feel that all I had done was so very very tokenistic - sure I made the effort to make the children food from their motherland, yes I welcomed trinkets and art work into our lives, absolutely our time was spent reading about their country of birth and first language, but to be honest 90% of our time was spent just being a family, a happy well-rounded family. For the first few days I was in their new lives, I felt an incredible guilt about how little I did do in that time, especially when in their new life culture was so very very different and so enormous. It was responsible for what they ate, how they ate (on the floor from common bowls), their schooling, clothing, friendships, family events, birthdays, holidays and discussions. In their new life it is their everything.

I'll admit those first few days well I became positively anti intercountry adoption - yes you read that right. How could anyone take a child from their culture I kept saying to my friend, she just smiled softly and knew I needed to work through all these issues, this guilt, these feelings. Those first few days I also focused on just what the children had gained - their biological family, grandparents, aunts & uncles, cousins who looked like them and had shared experiences - photographs from their infancy, mementos from milestones, stories of their toddler antics and tears at the sadness they went through. Again those thoughts about adoption and the ethics of it weighed heavily on my mind, I might have even had moments where I thought I was happy at the outcome and then I asked a vital question "what do you want to be when you grow up sweetie", I expected to engage in an excited conversation about all the many possibilities, I expected her to say what she always used to say "I want to be a children's book illustrator and draw picture after picture and paint and make" I expected us to try and figure out just what kind of books she would put her name too and tease her about how I have to be the very first person to get a copy. Only out of her mouth was "a nothing because we are poor". And it hit me like a ton of bricks. While my sweeties have gained their culture and biological family, they have lost hope.

To be hopeless at any age has disastrous consequences, to be hopeless as a child is dangerous for the mind, body and soul. At first I tried to convince her that no matter what she can be something, she can achieve whatever she set her mind too, I reminisced with her about all the barriers she had overcome when she lived with me - going from only working at a grade level 2 years below to working at grade level, learning to read beautifully, learning new art and shading techniques, to skate, to knit, to bake but then I realized all the learning she had done wasn't in her new life, it was in her old life, a life where each and every single day she was told how smart she was, she was read to, encouraged, there was money for support and the help that she needed. It wasn't easy - in truth she has developmental and learning delays that could potentially follow her for the rest of her life, but she was progressing oh was she progressing. Progressing she was no more, in fact her behaviours had gone from being about 2 years behind her chronological age to about 6 years below, her friends in her new life are all 4-6 years younger, she cries easily, is frustrated with herself and her environment and she knows that these are not good things. I naively set up a plan, I would discuss with the family what her needs are, I would show them what she could do and things would change, surely?

Yes we discussed the importance of her being read to, why school can't simply be the only way for her to learn, we discussed her art & more seriously why aspects of their life story were being confused and changed. And as we had these discussions, which were difficult because culturally there really wasn't an acceptance of trauma and it's effects, I looked around and saw something staring back at me - deprivation. And it hit me like a ton of bricks - if you are worried about heating and affording rice, how are you really going to be able to worry about reading to children every night and their emotional development? Of course poverty does not mean that you don't think about those things and worry about them, but it puts them into perspective - if you can't eat how are you really going to work on emotional development?

I should clarify I don't for a moment believe that children should have to be adopted because of poverty. When people suggest a pregnant teenager should automatically have her baby adopted only because of money everything in me screams no, that should not be the reason, that should not be why someone has to have their child adopted, they should have a choice, a real choice and make a plan that is right for them and their child. I don't believe for a moment that upper middle class, BMW driving people make better parents, in the work I do I see bad examples of parenting from the upper middle class every single day! Neither are all wealthy people bad parents. One of my closest friends is a top physician here and he gives away approx 20% of his income, his kids have to work to pay for their own cars (of which they've all bought very old second, or more correctly, third hand ones often not until they are 19+), his children have jobs and give 15% of their money to charity, they pay towards their University fees, they volunteer, they take holidays abroad each year in a volunteer capacity. I know many people who are well educated and yet want to be with their children so they leave 6 figure incomes behind and work 2 days a week making just enough to pay the bills, choosing to buy time with their children instead of the latest gadgets. This is not poverty, or at least not the poverty I saw on my trip. I think in the western world, particularly the North American one, we view poverty in such an unhealthy way - if you can't afford 2 cars or a house, well we may be much "richer" in North America but I would say we are often poorer in spirit which is far more dangerous for our soul. I'd like to add here that some of the most amazing adoptive families I've ever met are families who live in apartments, have limited means and/or are struggling on one income and yet meet the needs of their children in the most amazing, creative and loving ways. We need to really and truly put money into perspective as social workers and clinitions, family finders, teachers, Dr's, neighbours and friends.

However, the poverty I saw on my trip was life changing, it took hope and brought despair, it turned laughter into tears, it made 2 smiling, happy, round faced darlings into thin faced, rarely smiling, detached beings. This poverty will not establish hope or encouragement, this poverty is not as easy as giving money, although giving money certainly helps. It was easy for me to say "no child should be placed for adoption because of poverty" until I saw what real poverty is about. Sometimes it is as basic as if you can't eat, you die. So yes, poverty is sadly why many thousands, no millions of children end up needing families and while I wish I could change that and I can keep sponsoring children so they can remain with their families, the reality is it is a problem of pandemic proportions.

So, after this soul searching trip what did I come to realize? The reality, my reality, their reality is this, culture and biological family are important, very very important but they only go so far and while significant they are both only a piece of each child's puzzle. More than only culture and biology children need their needs to be met, someone to be their cheering squad, an advocate, acceptance of their strengths & limitations, their culture, honesty, compassion, awareness and understanding of the issues they'll face, education, time, healthy boundaries, routines & discipline, people who while able to provide for needs (remember what we view as needs are often really wants) will also be able to put wants in perspective and put a child's needs ahead of our own wants and desires. That means for many of the children we parent, we would better meet their needs if we worked less and spent time with them instead of working more and buying more. This means that for the children we parent we need to accept, embrace and love their first family because it is part of them and put our own unease aside to truly do what is best for them. And while it would be my feverant wish that every single child had all of their needs met through their birth family and culture, the reality is that that is not reality. In my lifetime, your lifetime, our children's lifetime and their children's lifetime, there will be children living in orphanages, slums and on the streets. We need to be there to help, truly help as much as we can by praying, giving money to charities, raising awareness, buying fair trade, reducing our carbon and eco footprints, making sure the clothes we buy provide fair wage for workers, fostering and adopting. We need to adopt newborns in our own countries, children from abroad, children from foster care, children from orphanages, children who are every colour and creed, children who are healthy with no special needs and children who have special needs, 2 year olds, 4 year olds and 10 year olds. It is the very least and most loving things that we can do, focusing outwards instead of inwards.

And as I walked away, boarded that plane and looked around, I saw four adoptive families with children on their way to a new life. At the beginning of the month I would of said "how sad" and now all I could do was cry , in fact I was sobbing! I had to cry tears of hope because I knew when those children were asked what they wanted to be, they would have an answer, and hearing their answer whether their wish was to be a gardener, or drummer or sweeper or teacher, would be the sweetest sound. For the sound of hope is priceless.